Feedback notes on-
Book #1
Conceived as a cutting edge business manual that goes beyond standard management principles to exploring the personality traits and psychological habits of anyone in the workplace. The premise here is that by understanding these underlying forces, a company can establish better communication and enhance productivity.
A Manuscript Review and Analysis Of
Engagement is Not Enough!
You Need Passion to Achieve Greatness
I am intrigued by the idea of a cutting
edge business book that goes beyond
standard management principles to exploring the personality traits and psychological
habits of anyone in the work place. The premise here is that by understanding
these underlying forces, a company can establish better communication and
enhanced productivity.
What makes this approach especially
unique is the notion that intelligent corporate leadership must build trust
and people skills, maximizing talent and inspiring employees to be truly engaged,
self-directed, and passionate about their work.
To accomplish this, I really like the
technologies you've chosen--including the DiSC model, the Whole Person Concept,
and the still-fresh I'm Okay-You're Okay theory--all of which go a long way in explaining why
people do the things they do. I was particularly fascinated by the differences
in people who do or do not require control or affiliation in their
work environments.
The promise you offer is a tantalizing
one: Should a corporate executive master these principles, the result can
be sterling business results and enhanced human fulfillment. It does, however,
require great sensitivity and self-discipline to carry out your recommendations--and
I question whether or not most corporate executives would be willing to retrain
themselves and exercise the skill necessary to accomplish this goal, as you
describe it.
Nonetheless, it's a provocative and inspiring
model. As Tony Robbins often says, you need to be a 'practical psychologist'
to maximize your effectiveness as a leader.
The book, overall, is very well-organized
and carefully thought out. There does, however, tend to be a repetitive quality
content-wise that must to be eliminated in order to streamline the manuscript,
which is overly long. A good line editor who approaches the material with
a fresh eye could cut out the 'fat' and thus make the book more readable.
Throughout my report, I point out material that could be excised.
In many cases, you've offered too much
theoretical detail or given too many examples, slackening the momentum of
the book. To correct this, you need to do three things: eliminate the repetitions,
cut down some of the theory detail, and use more dramatic examples to illustrate
your points.
Remember:
Illustration rather than explanation is always a more effective teaching
tool--and more entertaining for the reader.
This is why so many self-help books are packed with real-life stories and
interventions.
Beyond the content, the writing
style is serviceable--concise, clear,
and straightforward--though not particularly elegant or imaginative in its
choice of words. There tends to be a sameness to the rhythm of the language
which, at times, can be numbing and rather textbook like. At all costs, you
want to avoid the tone of an in-house company memo or an academic paper. To
make the narrative more dramatic, you need to vary the rhythm of sentences,
alternating punchier, shorter sentences with longer, more descriptive ones.
This will give the book more energy and forward movement.
You can also employ more humor--funny,
entertaining vignettes from your corporate experience that will liven up the
otherwise serious tone. Also, as a technique common in teaching books, you
can more often employ bold face print
to underline your main points.
Most of the time, the sentence structure
is grammatically correct, though I've pointed out a variety of awkward or
run-on sentences that require repair. I recommend using a line or copy editor
to correct such passages. I've re-written various sentences from time to time
to give you an idea of how they could be corrected and how I might sharpen
the meaning of your intended message.
Overall, the graphics are excellent—well thought-out and clearly designed
in illustrating your main points. Particularly effective is the Passion
Pyramid and the Whole Person Concept. I've indicated a few places in the text where I would create additional
graphics to clarify your points.
The chapter titles (which don't always match your table of contents)
are serviceable, though uninspired and pedantic. I really think you want to
STUDY the chapter titles of some business or self-help books to spark your
imagination in creating titles that are more inventive. For instance, just
glance at some of these chapter titles designed for a new self-help book I've
worked on:
Armed & Ready: An Emotional Fitness Plan
For Life
Chapter 16 Time
for A Change - Nature's Guarantee
Chapter 19 The Right Stuff:
The Influence Of Your Peer Group
Chapter 20 The Meter's
Running: The Moodscape Of Your Life
Chapter 23 Creating a
Compelling Future: The Picture Of Your Destiny
Chapter 24 Bringing Your
Dreams to Fruition: The Technique Of Emotional Flooding
Chapter 25 The Chokehold
on Happiness: STRESS
Chapter 27 Your Global
Solution: The Ultimate Safety Net
Chapter 28 Energy Tapping:
The Portable Miracle
So
in your book, for example, even if you were to add the word HONING to chapter
four's People Skills, it would improve
it. Even better would be something like: Becoming Your Own Psychologist:
Honing People Skills to Excel, or something
like that. Or in chapter nine: Instead of just Mentoring (too dry), choose
something like: Passing On Your Skills And Support: The Art of Mentoring,
or something like that.
In any case, the chapter titles here are dry
and flat and need to reflect the energy and creativity you've injected into
your text.
As a footnote, the Action
Steps included here are not as well-developed
as the rest of the text. As I write later in this report, I would recommend
NOT including them in the main body of the book, but instead producing a workbook
that could accompany this book now or at a later time.
Also: I would rethink the main
title as I believe it should be more
specific to the true content of the book, which discusses ÒpassionÓ and ÒgreatnessÓ
and ÒengagementÓ relatively little. To that end, I'd create as the main title
something like Leadership Effectiveness or Becoming The Leader You Want To Be. A title like this has a promise in it whereas
the current title one--Engagement Is Not Enough!--is a negative
statement, while the meaning of engagement is not immediately clear.
Next, your subtitle--You Need Passion to
Achieve Greatness--a declarative sentence,
is too long and somehow cliche sounding. Yes, everybody knows passion is an
ingredient of greatness--but in the corporate workplace, I think your book
is stressing communication more
than greatness.
Moreover, the word ÒgreatnessÓ doesn't
really speak to your main point, which is the necessity of leadership understanding
what makes people tick. I'd replace
your current subtitle with something catchier, using the idea that intelligent
leadership requires knowing the people who surround you.
Introduction
The first words presented to your
readers are crucially important in capturing their attention and setting the
tone of your book. So often, people pick up a book, read a few pages, and
close it. Therefore it's vital that you captivate the reader right from the
start. Your introduction begins rather matter of factly with a question--which
is fine--but it feels almost as if we're entering the book from the middle.
Remember: you're welcoming the reader
into your world and you must do it with a great sense of beginning, especially
since your book is quite long. Rather than immediately explaining the distinction
between engaged/not engaged/actively disengaged, I would BACK INTO the concept
by offering a short scenario, a story about three employees, each distinctly
different. Describe each one of them and how they operate. Give each one a
name. Then, once you've drawn the reader into the story, make your point and
draw your conclusion. Otherwise, the text is too dry.
But even more important: Your introduction is supposed
to be a welcome mat to the reader, presenting a BROAD perspective of what
your book is going to cover. In other words, a Preface or Introduction offers
the reader a series of PROMISES. You seem to get specific too quickly, which
is one reason why it feels like the reader is entering the book somewhere
in the middle. The reader, even the business person, wants to be engaged before
we get too deeply into the specifics. [So I would move some of your general
material about what the book includes higher up into the Introduction.]
On page 6, when you refer to the high cost of
lack of engagement, you will need some STATISTICS about the revenue and time
companies lose due to employee malaise. Quoting Gallup is good starting point
at the bottom of page 7 but you need more. A Google search would easily produce
more raw data.
Throughout your book, when you draw conclusions,
it's always most effective to back up your points with specific anecdotal
or statistical data. For instance, on page 7, you assert that 100% of what
companies pay actively disengaged employees is lost, yet since they're physically
present and doing something at their
desks, surely they're worth more than zero, no? The worldwide statistics of
engaged employees is shockingly low. [I hope, at some point, you're going
to describe the psychological dynamics about WHY people are so disengaged
at work. Are they bored? Tired? What?]
It's fascinating to read that nearly every
employee begins a new job 100 per cent engaged, and six months later, the
number drops precipitously. Why is that? You seem to imply on page nine that
it's a failure in Òleadership.Ó I'm wondering if the Òpink cloudÓ syndrome
of any job fades once the sameness begins to dull the senses. One would wonder
if the employee becomes less engaged because they master the job and then
become bored by doing the same thing over and over again. Or is it because
they're not given incentives to produce and grow more? These are the kinds
of questions I'd like to see answered. Also: I'd like you to talk to a PSYCHOLOGIST
who can give some nonbusiness-related insight into the psychological underpinnings
of employee malaise.
Otherwise, you seem to be placing all
the responsibility for what happens on management/leadership--while the relationship between a leader and a team
is a PARTNERSHIP. The employees, who are adults, have a responsibility to
maintain their own level of energy and enthusiasm.
Your distinctions on page 10-11 about
the reasons leadership fails are quite interesting, but not always adequately
flushed out. How does a preoccupation with profits alienate the employee?
What is right-brained thinking? You skip over all this quickly. The third
point is well-made, but there's a puzzling reference on page 12: ÒOver the
past two years, we have surveyed thousands of employees...Ó Who is WE? This
is the first time you've mentioned that word. You need to FRAME your introduction
by explaining what you do, who you are, what your company does, what your
role is in the company, and what experience you have. I assume WE is your
company, but you've never mentioned it. This is crucial and should come earlier.
Note: By this point in the Introduction--just
eight pages into it--the text is beginning to drag. Why? It's because the
Intro is too long, has too many points in it, and doesn't have the get-up-and-go,
let's-get-to-work, here's-what-we're- going-to-learn quality to it. It would
need significant trimming and a reworking in TONE, so that it truly offers
the promises that any reader requires. Notwithstanding this point, the content
of the text is fine.
Finally on page 16, we get to a very interesting
point about the NEEDS of the employee, needs that must be met in order to
maintain their state of engagement. The title of the first one seems too general.
Perhaps you could find a better way to say it, expounding on the idea of respect,
being listened to, and having a sense of accomplishment.
Your first CHART is beautifully organized but quite
complex with many terms and concepts poured into it. Some of them you've mentioned
in the text, but not all. It seems a bit overloaded for an Introduction. When
Tony Robbins presents charts sequentially in his workbooks--they always start
off rather simply, then add more layers as we progress. In this case, it seems
as if you've added too much into the Pyramid too soon. I assume you're going
to explain many aspects of the chart as we progress into the book. Nevertheless,
I would NOT have a chart in an Introduction. It's too much, too soon.
It isn't until the LAST paragraph
that we get any of the flavor one would expect for an Introduction, i.e. saying
what this book is going to do. Finally, you write: ÒThis book does
just that.Ó It's this paragraph that really needs expanding in
an interesting way. You need to explain what this book is intended to do.
Who is it for? Exclusively business leaders? Or would it be useful to people
in other professions as well? Define your audience.
In any case, as I said above,
it feels as if the Introduction has been over-packed with information, while
the actual payoff (the last paragraph)
is too truncated, almost tagged on as an afterthought. This paragraph should
appear much earlier in the Intro and frame the points you make around it.
You might begin something like this:
ÒWhat does every business leader need to know? How can he or she not only
boost profits and productivity but also manage employees so effectively that
they're fully engaged and energized by
Chapter One
In your first chapter, you
begin by directly addressing the reader: ÒWhat is your real motivation for
choosing a leadership role?Ó I'm wondering if should address the reader so
directly right from the start of the book as you don't really continue doing
it much after this. Another alternative you might consider is something like
this: ÒWhat drives a true leader? What really motivates someone
to seek power--the position, status, recognition, and admiration of others?
What moves anyone to control, manage, and inspire a team? For many leaders....Ó You see the difference?
pg. 19: Your Give-Get-Cycle chart is very clean and simple with an arrow in
and out of the circle, but I'm not sure it really enhances the text.
I DO, however, like your question about what a leader has to GIVE in order
to GET benefits. The bottom paragraph of page 19, however, begins to wander
off the track and doesn't directly follow from the previous paragraph. We
want to know what a leader has to GIVE....and the information in this
bottom paragraph feels like a rehash of what we already know.
I'd go directly to the first main paragraph on page 20: ÒFulfilling your purpose
means giving your best. But giving WHAT?? You never really say. It seems that
qualities like patience, kindness, seeing the broad picture, tenacity, articulation
of ideas, and ability to communicate effectively are traits a leader needs
to ÒgiveÓ in order to ÒgetÓ the result desired. But you don't say this.
Avoid sentences that state the obvious, such as: ÒAnd for your team to achieve
its purpose...everyone on the team must give their best...Ó We know this and
if you say it--it sounds too much like business training 101.
pg. 20, second main paragraph: The sentence is awkward and not grammatical.
It should read: ÒWhat kinds of people do you need on your team in order
to achieve optimum results?Ó
As this chapter is titled--Why Do You Want to be a Leader--I'm perplexed, as the reader will be, about WHERE
you're going here. This material about building a team has nothing to do with
what motivates the leader. By the middle of page 21, you're off and running
about the Unity Health Center and how true leadership can create the right
environment for igniting passion. And I DO like the line about Òno longer
light a fire under my staff, I light a fire in them.Ó This phrase could even
be perhaps adapted and used as a subtitle for your book.
But: if this chapter is going to be about management
and leadership strategies and creating the optimum environment at work, you
need to change the title of it. I say this because I was expecting this chapter
to be about the personality/character profile of a leader. Perhaps the chapter
should be titled: The Anatomy Of A Leader.
pg. 24: The Whole Person
Concept: I like the idea that the actions and personality of a leader
define the work atmosphere, that a leader brings his entire person to the
job. Your opening sentences of the Whole Person Concept are, however, awkward and unclear. It should read
something like: ÒThe actions and behaviors of the leader are the most influential
factors in creating a work environment that ignites passion. And it's this
atmosphere that will either attract or repel employees, motivating them to
become engaged or actively disengaged.Ó
pg. 25: Most important is this
sentence, which you might bold: ÒSo to create the environment you want,
you need to have a really good understanding about your behavior--why you
do the things you do.Ó Delete
the next sentence about how you're not going to get into in-depth psychological
models. Instead, go directly to your Whole Person Concept. The graph for this
is quite beautiful. I love the idea that what we see (someone's behavior)
is just the tip of the iceberg, that most of the thoughts and feelings, values,
belief, and underlying needs--are under the surface of the 'water.' Excellent!
[It would be ideal if this graph could be illustrated in color in your book.
Concentrating on this Whole Person Concept would lead me, as I said earlier,
to renaming this chapter The Anatomy Of A Leader.]
pg. 27: Some of the sentences here are awkward, repetitive, and confusing:
ÒWhen you think about something, your feelings are there at the same time.....Ó
This doesn't work. Instead: ÒWhen you begin thinking about anything, a
series of feelings will inevitably arise. These feelings vary depending on
the strength of the thoughts. For instance, if you are thinking about a person
you love....Ó What you're
getting at here is the basis of all behavioral therapy, i.e. that DOING something
changes how we FEEL. You began to jog a few laps, as you describe it in your
anecdote, and then you felt like running. Good point!
pg. 29: Awkward sentence: ÒWe need to go down to the next layer to where our
values and beliefs are.Ó You cannot end a sentence with a verb. Instead: ÒWe
need to go down to the layer below, one which comprises our values and beliefs.Ó
pg. 29: The distinction between a belief and a thought is rather awkward here
and doesn't need so much explaining Most people will understand, from the
graph, that a thoughts can be random, like passing clouds--they're in a constant
state of change and movement and many of them are not too important; whereas
a belief is an underlying conviction that profoundly influences what we do
and how we do it.
pg. 30: I think by the time you reach the top of page 30, the attention of
the reader is going to begin wandering. The text is too plodding and your
main points overly explained. Just state each layer of the iceberg, explain
how each point relates to business leadership, and leave it at that. The example
from the 16th-century isn't really necessary. More to the point are your questions
at the bottom of page 30: ÒWhat are your beliefs about what it takes to achieve
outstanding results?Ó Give a business example instead of the first two paragraphs
on the top of page 31--which only state the obvious in general terms.
pg. 31: You end a paragraph with a very tantalizing concept which is just
dropped: Ò...so getting their values aligned with your organization's values
is an important aspect of your leadership role.Ó Yes, but how? This sounds
hard to do. The reader will assume it's coming in a later chapter.
pg. 31, Needs: You might want to examine the work that Tony Robbins has done
on the 6 primal needs--Certainty, Variety, Significance, Love & Connection,
Growth, Contribution.] You don't need this overly-obvious sentence at the
top of page 32: ÒWhen you have a need that is not satisfied, the way to satisfy
it is through your behavior.Ó You've already illustrated this with your eating
example.
pg. 32: Change>ÒWhen little children are born....Óto something like this:
ÒAs infants, we're entirely driven by our biological need for food, warmth,
comfort, and love.Ó The point
you make at the bottom of page 32 is a good one, that some people are still
behaving like big babies at work, i.e. yelling and screaming without thinking
about or managing their emotions.
pg. 33, top: I would Delete: ÒNow I don't know what you think...Ó Just state
what you think. Also, rather than saying ÒI don't think that yelling
and screaming at people is very appropriate...Ó Change to: ÒIt has been
proven [and give a study or two if you can find one]
that yelling and screaming at employees is a grossly ineffective management
technique.Ó Then tell the reader
why it doesn't work. Why won't it get people more engaged? This paragraph
is unclear when you write: ÒUsually others [you mean employees being yelled
at? Say so.] will do anything to make sure they [who is they? the out of control
boss] You have to be CLEAR about who you're talking about. I'm not sure. In
the last sentence: ÒThen when they [who is they?] feel like they're losing
control....etc. I think you mean the boss. Clarify this.
pg. 33, Two Sources of Motivation: Delete phrase Òfoundational model...Ó It's
too overblown. Instead just say: Ò...because it is a critical concept in understanding
the anatomy of leadership.Ó [Remember: This is not a company memo, but a narrative
book that has to be fluent and user-friendly.]
pg. 33, bottom paragraph: Use the word ÒfirstÓ not Òfirstly.Ó
pg. 33, bottom: I'm perplexed. Where are we going? You just got done explaining
your Whole Person Concept, and now you're trailing back to Needs again: Ò...the
only way you can satisfy your needs is through your own behavior...Ó I thought
we read that already.
pg. 34: second main paragraph. It should begin: ÒNext, there is the concept
of Values Motivation...Ó
Your chapters are, for the most part, TOO LONG. And Chapter one is definitely
too long. One sign of it is REPETITION, which creates BOREDOM for the reader.
A perfect example: page 34, bottom paragraph. You write: ÒIt is your behavior
that creates the environment your team members operate in.Ó First, it's already
been stated numerous times. What is your NEW point?
Note: After you explain your Whole Person Concept on page 33, I'd end the
chapter on a high note with a STORY or EXAMPLE illustrating either great leadership
or how someone was able to transform their management style from ineffective
to effective. To this end, you might use your ÒMary's Act of LeadershipÓ as
the ending of the chapter here, though I don't think it's a powerful enough
example or detailed enough to stand on its own.
In any case, remember: ILLUSTRATION is always a better teaching tool than
EXPLANATION. So to whatever
extent you can, try to get a real-life story that would illustrate the Whole
Person Concept. If someone were to rewrite this entire chapter, it could be
crisply edited and redefined into a solid 20 pages instead of nearly 40. It's
simply too long and needs to be compressed. This would be the job of a skilled
line editor or ghostwriter.]
pg. 34: ÒWe all have the need for affection from time to time.Ó Delete time
to time. It's been proven that human beings require stroking and affection
for mental health.
pg. 35:This Chapter--which is the most important one of the book-- has now
wandered off-track by the time you ask: What Is Leadership? Although
I thought Chapter One was about what MOTIVATES A LEADER (Why do you want to
be a leader?)...it becomes clear that it's really about the WHOLE PERSON CONCEPT.
At this point in the game, it seems odd to trail back to defining leadership.
This material should appear, if at all, in the INTRODUCTION.
pg. 36: Your narrative in ÒThe Leadership ProcessÓ should include WHY you've
chosen this particular 'Out-In-Out' form of leadership model over all others.
What about it resonated with you so strongly? Could you include some EXAMPLE
from your own professional life that would illustrate why you like it so much?
Also, don't refer so casually to ÒTom Peters' training film...Ó
Who is Tom Peters? You need to introduce any new character in the text with
a one or two sentence description. Otherwise, things seems to just come at
the reader without any rhyme or reason.
pg. 39: Your distinction between follower and supporter is excellent.
Note: If you're going to have ÒAction StepsÓ at the end of each chapter, you're
going to have to develop them in more detail. Just asking three questions
at the end of Chapter One is not enough. In the magazine articles I've written,
we typically have a ÒsidebarÓ at the end of an article, which is either in
the form of a box of tips and suggestions or a list of questions. I think
you will need to go back and devise some EXERCISES for your readers that would
allow them to understand and develop the themes you've covered.
Or, as I recommended earlier, you could DELETE this material at the end of
each chapter and create a LEADERSHIP WORKBOOK to follow the publication of
your book. I would choose the latter option.
Chapter Two
Perhaps you could begin
your chapter: ÒAccountability is a loaded word. And nowadays, it's used
quite a lot. Organizations expect...Ó You
need a better transition from your first paragraph into the story. Something
simple like: Let me give you an example....
pg. 43: Your first sentence
needs rewriting. It's awkward and not grammatical. It should read: ÒIn
your role as a leader, how can you inspire your team members to be accountable,
especially when so many of them seem to avoid taking responsibility?Ó Something like that. In a variety of places throughout
the book, such awkward sentences will need rewriting.
pg. 43: As I said earlier, for important lessons you're teaching throughout
the book, use BOLD FACE so the text stands out. ÒPeople will not be accountable
until they choose to be.Ó
pg. 44: Your distinction between
responsibility and accountability is razor thin and I can't see it clearly.
The dictionary says: ÒResponsibility is the act of being accountable, answerable,
a duty or trust, ability to meet obligations.Ó
pg. 44: Who devised Òthe personal
responsibility model?Ó I DO like your distinction between I have to and I choose to. I also very much like your graphic. It's vivid and
easy to read and understand. Excellent.
pg. 47: Top paragraph. Instead of Òand in some cases steal things.Ó Awkward
ending for a sentence. Instead: Òand in some cases, even resort to theft.Ó A small change like this can really improve the
text.
pg. 48: I was delighted to see an autobiographical story at the bottom of
page 48. It's this kind of example (together with cited studies or real life
illustrations) that make the text come alive. The story, as you conclude it
on page 49, seems to just end with a whimper. What was the lesson you learned
as a boy? What did your father do when he got home? We need more information,
color, and a good summation before you transition to the next paragraph.
pg. 51: I like your point about leaders wanting self-directed employees,
yet they so often utilize an authoritarian leadership approach. But
TIGHTEN UP your text. You tend to repeat things. For example, at the bottom
of the page: ÒIf you need self-directed people, you cannot....keep behaving
in an authoritarian, controlling way.Ó Yes, you already said that! Another
example: page 52, check the end of paragraphs 2 and 3. It's the same point
in almost the same language. As this chapter is too long, you have to find
ways to compress and make your points more succinctly.
pg. 53: When you mention the name of a book (in this case, Learned Optimism),
you have to either underline or italicize it. Also, give us a little more
information about Seligman as he's considered the leading authority on optimism
in the world.
pg. 54: I LOVED the story of the four-year-old telling his Mom: 'I've got
choices!' Bravo.
When you talk about the work environment, there don't seem to be any SPECIFIC
examples. You just write in generalities: ÒWhen you solve problems and make
decisions for others....Ó What KINDS of problems and DECISIONS? After all,
you're probably targeting an audience of business people who would appreciate
some specific examples. To accomplish this, you would either have to cite
known examples or do some interviews of your own, or at least share experiences
from your own business life.
Graphic Five is clearly-drawn and easily understood. Excellent.
pg. 57: At the top of page 57, you talk about security cameras, etc. in a
'we don't trust you environment.' At the top of page 58, you make the same
point. Try to blend these points together in one place.
pg. 61: Your story about ear implants is excellent. I like your theme that
a fear-based environment is ultimately a drag on employee excellence.
pg. 61: You mention Òmy research...Ó What does it consist of?
I would observe that some of your thinking as it is reflected in your graphics
is BLACK AND WHITE. You see employees as either X or Y. But you don't seem
to mention that people are NOT entirely consistent. Some days, the self-directed
person is NOT going to behave that way, while the other-directed person might
surprise you. I would include an example of this.
pg. 62: By the top of this page, it seems like you're out of new information,
so you're repeating what we already know through your narrative and the graphic.
When you write: ÒIn an authority-driven environment no one wants to be responsible,Ó
we already know that. [To avoid this kind of repetition, you might consider
making a Òchapter mapÓ that visually illustrates how you're leading from one
point to another. Make sure the points progress forward but don't keep circling
back to the same point.]
By this time in the chapter, one longs for a LIST OF SPECIFIC ACTIONS management/leadership
can take to encourage employees to become self-directed. It would also be
good to have a list from the perspective of the employee.
pg. 63: At the bottom of this page, you're talking to the employee: ÒYou may
be thinking....Ó NOT the leader. Up until this point, it seemed as if most
of your remarks were directed toward a reader who is the leader. I assume
you want to address both?
pg. 65: In your anecdote here, what is the AAA Club of South Jersey? I have
no idea. Is it an auto club? You need to explain what the company does and
HOW Carol changed her behavior. There is no quote from her that explains how
this turnaround happened.
You end this chapter with advice: ÒFocus on what you need to do with your
team...Ó What DOES that person need to do? We don't know.
Chapter Three
I'm delighted to see that you're beginning a chapter in story mode with a
specific example that illustrates your point. The value of doing this is that
you FIRST engage the reader with a story, and then your own voice comes in
at the end with the LESSON learned. This is something you could employ more
throughout the book. I'm also glad to see that this chapter is more compact,
shorter, than the previous ones.
pg. 68: explain more about what the company makes. What kind of components?
pg. 69: ÒTrust is a feeling.Ó Excellent. A short sentence that will interest
the reader. I'm not sure I like the distinction between building trust and
being trustworthy. Please explain to the reader more about Dr. Ralph Colby.
Who is he? When was the book published? I like the four element and the graphic
is fine.
pg. 73: What is Integro? We know it's your company, but give us some interesting
information in a sentence or two about it.
In teaching the leader to establish congruence, openness, etc. you could acknowledge
that there are LIMITS to this, times when an executive cannot be open or entirely
congruent. Is that true? If so, say so.
pg. 75: If you negate constructive criticism--do you accept helpful feedback?
There has to be some way to evaluate an employee's work critically--not in
the insulting use of the word. What would you suggest?
It would be helpful for the leader to have a TRAINING FORUM of some kind,
a boot camp for LEADERSHIP EFFECTIVENESS. The leader needs to get feedback
on his or her communication skills. How can this happen?
pg. 79: Here, you effectively summarize why people have difficult with the
various components of trust. Excellent.
pg. 81: Excellent scenario presented about Bill. What is especially good is
your reference back to the iceberg model on page 82, demonstrating how you
build trust with the tip of the iceberg, etc.
At the bottom of page 82, you again refer to employees becoming more Òpassionate.Ó
At some point before this, you need to DEFINE what you mean by passion, i.e.
employees demonstrating more energy, more enterprise, etc.
pg. 83: Your story about the over-controlling boss on pages 83-4 is quite
good. What you might say is that, so often, it takes almost an INTERVENTION
to correct the behavior of an authority-driven leader.
The Action Steps at the conclusion of Chapter Three are the most effective
ones provided up to this point in the book. Likewise, the length of this
chapter and overall tone of it is best. It starts with a story, has cohesive
content, and is quite well-organized.
Chapter Four: People Skills
I like that this chapter
is, again, a reasonable length, and that you're beginning it with a personal
story. When you do this, always be as specific as possible about the DETAILS
in the story, which make it colorful. You write: After finishing school....
(high school? college?) The sentence should read: ÒMy first job after finishing
high school [college]was working for a large insurance company in Brisbane,
etc.Ó
pg. 86: delete the phrase Òwith a calculator.Ó Not needed.
Note: You write on page 87 that BUILDING TRUST is just one of FOUR people
skills needed to be an effective leader. You should PRE-FRAME this point at
the beginning of Chapter Three so the reader has a sense of where they're
going. On page 87, you write: now let's focus on the other three people skills.
NAME THEM HERE, again, so you set up an expectation.
pg. 87, last paragraph: ÒBut it didn't come.....Ó is a confusing statement.
You mean he didn't yell at you, right? So write: ÒBut none of that happened.
Alan didn't yell at me and neither did he fire me! Instead, as a master of
people skills, he calmly pulled out the worksheets...Ó And I like your distinction between blame assigner
and problem solver.
pg. 89: When you explain the downside of Òassigning blame,Ó mention that it
creates an atmosphere of shame and recrimination which is the antithesis of
trust.
pg. 90: Note: The phrase ÒFacilitating ChangeÓ does not sound like a people
skill. One typically thinks of good listening ability, negotiation expertise,
friendliness, sense of humor as people skills. ÒFacilitating ChangeÓ does
not fit. I think what may work as a substitute for this are words like DIPLOMACY,
NEGOTIATION, etc. I guess being a diplomat IS a people skill and it's a primary
technique in any negotiation.
Note: It's unclear what the next people skill is meant to be. Is it Satisfying
Needs? If so, that phrase, again,
is awkward. Also, be more specific about WHICH needs you're talking about.
I DO like your reference to FUN. I think that this concept is crucial to productivity
and employee satisfaction. Working IS fun when the atmosphere is right and
you're interested in pleasing your boss and doing a great job.
pg. 93: I'd prefer using Òexternal/internalÓ vs. Òextrinsic/intrinsicÓ but
it's up to you.
pg. 95: You write: You need all four people skills to build trust. I thought
building trust WAS one of the people skills. I know you mean to recap here,
but it must be done in a more fluent, cohesive way. Mention all four of those
people skills again: Building Trust, Solving Problems, Facilitating Change,
Satisfying Needs. Notice I've made each verb ACTIVE, and I'd change your chart
to reflect this.
pg. 96: You make the main point about behavior: ÒWhat counts is what you do,
not what you say you're going to do,Ó but behavior is about a LOT more than
people making a definite appointment for a meeting and sticking to it. It's
about how someone RELATES to those around them--their level of friendliness
and cooperation. It's about how that person APPEARS --are they well-groomed,
neat, and pleasant or disheveled, etc. Is their FACIAL EXPRESSION something
that invites conversation? How do they behave in social or group situations
with other employees? All this is part of behavior and ultimately quite revealing.
I'd therefore expand your view of it here. It's too narrow.
pg. 98: The top paragraph is nearly word for word identical to the passage
on pages 27-28 where you mention the idea of not wanting to get out of bed
but doing it anyway. Since this is a point you've already made, don't repeat
it here.
pg. 98: Bottom paragraph is awkward. It should read: ÒTying this point
back to improving people skills....Ó
pg. 99: I like your story about the Air Force here but you don't adequately
CONCLUDE what you learned and how it relates to your main point
about values and beliefs. Tell us the lesson you learned, ok?
pg. 100: first main paragraph: ÒYou are working much deeper down inside of
people...Ó is an awkward sentence that is NOT grammatical. It should read:
ÒUnderstanding the complexity of someone's values and beliefs
is a daunting mission, much more challenging than merely observing their behaviors
or understanding their concrete thoughts.Ó Or something like that.
pg. 100: Bottom paragraph. Awkward phrasing in first sentence. ÒPerhaps,
when buying an automobile, you've had an experience similar to this one: [place a time to the story] A few years ago, when
I was living in Sydney, I walked into a Mazda dealership to browse for a new
car for my wife.Ó
Note: Chapters need to have
endings that both bring the subject matter to a definitive close and raise
the expectation for what is to follow. Your chapter endings tend to just fall
off and end somewhat abruptly. This would need to be corrected. One way to
end a chapter is to summarize the main points of it; or you can end with a
story that would be inspiring or illustrative of your main point.
Chapter Five: What Makes You Tick?
It feels like there's a
question missing in your opening. It's too short. You might try something
like: 'How well do you really know yourself? How accurately do you perceive
how you come across to others? (or
something like that.) Then: In fact, have you ever had someone...Ó etc.
I really like the story about having a bad temper as a boy. It's really effective
in demonstrating the dawning of your self-awareness. You need to make smoother
transitions between the stories and the text. Why not add a few more sentences
to your story about how, as an adult, you've been able to curb your temper,
etc. Then segue way into your next paragraph: When someone gives you critical
feedback that you disagree with, what do you do? What's your first knee-jerk reaction?
Hopefully, you don't behave as I did as a ten-year-old.....Something like
that.
pg. 104: You state that we're more aware of our thoughts and feelings than
our behaviors. Mmmm. I'm not so sure I'd generalize the point. I'm VERY aware
of my behaviors and I think many people are. Perhaps what you mean to say
is that we need to step away from ourselves and get perspective on how our
behaviors may be effecting others around us. And I DO like your example about
golfing and filming yourself to assess your strengths and weaknesses. Excellent.
pg. 105: When you ask these questions: ÒHow aware are you of the degree....Ó
etc. you should raise some specific EXAMPLES that people can identify with.
pg. 106: The point you make right at the top of the page has already been
made in an earlier chapter. So, when you recap things, use phrases like: As
we've seen...
pg. 106: The bottom paragraph,
which describes a manager oblivious to his destructive behavior, is excellent.
Very vivid and true.
pg. 107-109: All this material is excellent and needs little change except
for copy editing.
But by the time you recycle your main point on page 110, we already get the
idea. Why ask the question if emotional intelligence matters AGAIN? You've
proven that it does. Delete this material and proceed directly to the bottom
paragraph.
Your metaphor using the glass of water is good, but one sentence confuses
me. When a photo is taken a second later, the glass is emptier, not fuller,
right? I really like the material you present on page 111. Excellent. It almost
cries out for a STORY to illustrate someone's regret over something they did
in the past--and how they do it better NOW. If you can find one, that would
be quite effective.
pg. 112, second paragraph: By the time you get around to defining self-awareness
here, it seems like overkill. You've already told us enough about it. We get
the idea, so it seems repetitive and overly long. I think what you're saying
is that being EMOTIONALLY REACTIVE is a poor leadership technique. I would
add that when anyone is emotionally upset--it's the WRONG time to take any
action at all. Do not speak to the object of your anger or do anything until
you've cooled your jets. This is when the emotion is ANGER. When it's pleasure,
I agree that acting out of emotion is fine in complimenting someone's performance.
pg. 113: You fail to demonstrate how being self-directed increases awareness;
you only give the example of being other-directed. I'd add more here.
pg. 114, third paragraph: This paragraph is confusing and perhaps easily cut.
pg. 114, bottom paragraph: Again, this is repetitive. Earlier, you've already
asked this question about wondering why people do the things they do. It feels
to me like the chapter could end about now, but it goes on for another 8 pages,
so it will need streamlining.
Your distinctions about affiliation and the need to control are very interesting
and well-written. As these concepts are borrowed from other sources, however,
make sure you credit them properly. Likewise, the graph with your
DiSC Behavioral Model is excellent, but again, this is a well-known
model that has been written about at length, so you need to give more history
about it. You recommend on page 119 that Òit makes sense for you to take a
DiSC profile.Ó Ok. I would INCLUDE the test in your book if possible rather
than telling the reader to send away for it, but copyright law may prevent
that.
pg. 120: I LOVE it when you say that ÒPassion is below the waterline.Ó If
that's true, and you can't visibly observe it, how can the leader actually
access and incite it in an employee? Tell the reader what they're about to
learn that in the next chapter.
pg. 120, bottom: I'm not quite sure how Òbeing different is not wrongÓ logically
follows in this discussion of your DiSC model. We seem to be dragging this
chapter on for a very time. What you're really talking about now is different
behavioral styles, but it's a lot for the reader to digest all at once. I
think you should save this material for the following chapter. This chapter
is already packed with excellent content.
Chapter Six: Using DiSC to Ignite Passion
I'd start this chapter with
her name: Diane, a HR...etc. The sentence is a bit long and I'd divide it
into two. Also, try to make the story more personal. Did you interview her?
What kind of company was it? The more details that are given, the more warmth
will be conveyed, which draws the reader in. Also, on line 7 of the opening
paragraph, change Òcalled MarieÓ to Ònamed Marie.Ó
pg. 123, second paragraph: Notice that you start the first two sentences with
the word Òso.Ó Your copy editor should notice these kinds of things and eliminate
the repetition. Likewise, later in the paragraph you use the word ÒconfusedÓ
twice in a row. Once you get into the habit of checking for such repetitions,
you'll get better at eliminating them.
pg. 124, second paragraph: ÒThen here Diana....Ó This sentence doesn't make
sense. You seem to be transitioning from narrating the story to abruptly switching
back to relating what happened to a different audience. It's confusing. Were
you also participating in this seminar or were you relating the story afterward?
In any case, you might just start this new paragraph like this. ÒIn retrospect,
Diana realized her mistake. Using the Interpersonal Theory Chart as a guide,
she understood that Maria ranked very high on the Conscientiousness.....Ó
etc. Òthat she had totally invaded her space at lunch that day by asking so
many personal questions.Ó
pg. 124, DiSC in Depth: Your chapter title announces to the reader that they're
going to learn how using DiSC will increase Passion. Yet on this page, you
write: ÒWe are going to explore ten factors to better understand....Ó You
need to make the CONNECTION here, as a pre-frame, of HOW understanding those
ten factors will enhance Passion. This constitutes big-picture thinking for
the reader, allowing perspective and giving them a sense of momentum.
124-5: Excellent. No comments.
126, bottom paragraph: It should read: ÒIt is your behavior that creates the
environment in which your team works.Ó
pg. 127: You make an interesting point: ÒCreating a work environment which
meets the needs of all styles can be quite a challenge.Ó Obviously, it's impossible.
I'd be interested in knowing how large companies accommodate such
differing personalities. It seems as if COMPROMISE on all front would be necessary.
When I worked in a newsroom with 100 other people talking and moving around,
it drove me crazy because I was used to a quiet, formal environment. I had
to get used to working with distractions in the background and I did.
pg. 127, bottom, the Security section: The second sentence makes no sense
following the first sentence. I'd change it to: ÒDo you think it's possible
to be passionate about something and insecure about it at the same time? That
would, in my experience, be unlikely, if not impossible.Ó
pg. 128: third line, put a period after the word insecure. Then start: ÒYet,
for some strange reason, many managers set out to make people feel insecure.Ó
These kinds of corrections--putting in commas, dividing sentences into two--can
easily be accomplished by your line editor.
pg. 128: I'd delete that Òburned at the stakeÓ reference. Instead, explain
why inciting fear in employees doesn't work. Refer to a study on the subject.
Or give us an example.
pg. 129: Outstanding Need--This is an awkward phrase and the sentence doesn't
add up. Perhaps you mean: Understanding Someone's Preeminent Need.
pg. 131: You make a reference
in the second paragraph to Òfactors to build and sustain passion,Ó but I don't
understand the connection between these different personality styles, as described,
and passion. I assume you mean that when each of these personalities are acknowledged
and treated with respect, they will flourish at work. Is that it? Please explain.
pg. 131: ÒMeasures Progress by--how each style knows they're doing wellÓ This
is very awkward. Perhaps instead: Measurement of Progress--Knowing When
You're Doing Well.
pg. 132: second paragraph. the
word ÒpreferableÓ should be changed to Òpreferably.Ó
pg. 133: Bottom: You write that Òfeedback is critical.Ó I'd use this sentence
and expand it at the BEGINNING of this section at the bottom of page 131.
This is a fascinating topic, that leaders/managers/executives need to understand
the PERSONALITIES and NEEDS of their employees, and then based on that knowledge,
provide FEEDBACK appropriately. This is VERY difficult to do--and I doubt
that many managers will adjust their style to fit each employee. It's an intriguing
topic and well-explained.
pg. 134: Major Fears: You might change this to ÒPrincipal Fears: What does
each personality style fear most?Ó
In this FEARS section, you do something you do NOT do anywhere else in the
list of ten, which is to divert on a tangent with an EXAMPLE. Now, I like
examples, but we're in the middle of listing all ten points--so adding an
extended example here interrupts the flow. This example goes on for 2 1/4
pages.
pg. 139: Irritated by--What you
find most annoying.
This is the first time you've used the word Òyou.Ó You have to be CONSISTENT
in your titling for each point. It should read: ÒWhat each personality
type finds most annoying.Ó
I love this line, which I've altered slightly: ÒWhat this means is that you
irritate others around you just by being yourself!Ó Excellent point, which
means it's inevitable there will be conflict. The question becomes--how to
get along with others and resolve it?
pg. 140: Excellent points here about irritability--that it sabotages your
dream and controls you. [Question: All this material about DiSC personality types is quite good but has it already
been presented in another book? As I said earlier, please be sure to credit
whatever information you've borrowed or adapted from elsewhere. In a quick
Google search, it appears that a huge amount has been written about this model,
but you provide no history of it in your book. You need to give the reader
a little background perspective on it.]